When days are tuff, DAY 26
Aug 3, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZYhVW2VoR0

[Music]
Hey so we're at the end of the night in
fact it is 913 I am beat
I am so tired today I I had a very very
interesting day today let's just say
that it's started out really good we had
some things that we had a run and go do
go to Costco and go get some gas and I
made the video for the giveaway and it
was just like everything was going
really good and smooth and sometimes
when you know we're going through this
process of change and life journeys of
permanent changes sometimes things can
happen or some things can be said and it
can really honestly trigger the worst in
what you are trying to achieve and so
today in particular somebody made a
comment to me and it was you know pretty
drugged Ettore towards you know my body
shape and not so much about my body
shape but you know what I have to do
basically that I sit around all day
basically you know and eat potato chips
because that's just I guess that's what
I enjoy to do right and you know I
consider myself a very strong person in
a sense of bullying I
as such you know as a child I remember
not being bullied by classmates and
peers I was bullied by adults that's
what I was bullied by and I learned to
build thick skin early because had I not
I think half of the things that were
ever said to me as a child I literally
don't know if I would still be here
today but I knew that I am better than
that and that those things that people
said they were obviously really hurting
themselves to lower themselves to that
manner to bully a child so you know as
time is going on and I'm an adult now I
take things with a grain of salt
seriously I just I'm like okay whatever
like I'll never forget one time I was
driving down one of our main streets in
Salem and I'm driving in my car and I'm
out of stoplight and all of a sudden I
see this guy yelling out his window and
I'm thinking what in the world is he
yelling about so I roll my window down
thinking like maybe there was something
wrong with my car and I couldn't
visually see it or something and I was
like yeah and he goes um I can't believe
that you are so big
you nasty blankety-blank euro what was
it uh Jimmy Craig drop out you need to
get on Weight Watchers it's you type of
people that are nasty and I mean just
tore me up
at a red light and I just looked at him
like okay someone was having a rough day
and I blew my kiss and drove off because
it was my turn to go
and that's how I normally deal with that
type of stuff is when I am ever bullied
stared at look down on usually you're
gonna get a kiss from me and you're
gonna see my cheek because I will turn
around and well actually you'll see the
back of my head because I will turn
around and just walk away I don't have
time for that
I don't spend my time thinking about the
negativity because like I said if i sat
and really weathered in all of the
negativity that had been around me all
of my life pretty much I honestly don't
know where I would be like I really
really really don't I don't think I
would be at a place in my life like I am
right now so with today having a comment
made to me when I am working so hard at
the changes that I'm going through and
it's scary at times you know I'm
starting to see that my clothes are
starting to feel a little bit better
I've had a few comments where you know
people are saying that they noticed my
stomach going down and you know my face
is lightening up a little bit and those
are scary scary things to me because
I've always used my weight my fat to be
my protector
so I'm already going through a lot right
now just with body shape and changes and
so when this person said something to me
today I really stopped in my tracks and
I even for two seconds was like wow is
that really true like you know I do sit
a lot but I I mean I do have a good
excuse why it's not because I just feel
like it because I would love to be up
doing a lot so
today I challenged myself and Olly was
out you know cleaning the car and he was
just doing just stuff outside he had you
know customer coming for the business
and so he was busy out doing his own
thing and I was in the house taking care
of the kids and just you know I was
processing all of this stuff going on
around me and what was said to me today
and I got up and I was like you know I'm
gonna really challenge myself today my
kitchen had been pretty rich a pretty
nigga rejected nickel of all I was
rejected um it had been very NIC left to
the last couple days because we've been
on the go we have not stopped because we
just had so much trying to get things
done since it's been a little bit cooler
so it's just been my go go go go and we
haven't really stopped to really clean
clean clean clean so I was like you know
I'm just gonna really challenge myself
today and I'm really gonna get in there
and I'm really gonna clean that kitchen
good from top to bottom now mind you I
have not been able to do that in I'll
see easily six months probably about six
months that I've really gotten to get in
there and really do a good deep scrub um
we did have a house cleaner for a couple
of months and then she actually went out
of business so it's been left on us and
all he has done the best he can you know
I mean I think all women have a
different way of cleaning than a than a
man does
I think our expectations are a lot
higher than what a man's are and so you
know but I've accepted it because I knew
physically I couldn't get in there and
do it myself and I knew he was doing the
best he could so how could I you know
dog him down or you know make him feel
bad when he was doing the best he could
but it definitely wasn't to my standards
of how I would normally claim because
that's just I think women are just
drilled in a little bit more than men
like that they we notice more detail
than Amanda's so I got in there and I
started with the dishes are I actually
loaded the dishwasher and then did the
dishes and pulled out the Clorox bleach
and start spraying counters down and
moving stuff and by the time I was done
I had scrubbed that kitchen for two and
a half hours I did not sit once I did
not stop I worked from the time I
started to the time I end which was the
two and a half hours I was like wait a
minute how did I do it like that and my
back's not hurting me like whoa wait a
minute something's off I was like
shocked those I really you know it
really showed me that I'm really making
progress but I struggled all day today
because of what was said to me was so
below the belt that I wanted to go to my
only coping mechanism that I've ever
known which was to binge and I wanted to
binge so bad I kept thinking of all the
things that I wanted to binge on and I
even told myself okay I'm gonna have
Panda Express tonight because that's
what I want that's what sounds good and
I just I had set myself completely up
mentally for failure and then as I was
finished cleaning the kitchen and I
realized that I was able to do that with
no back pain I really stopped for a
minute and was like is it worth binging
and setting myself back on my journey
that I'm trying to change and the course
that I'm trying to do is it worth
allowing somebody to have that much
control in my journey to have me binge
because I'm hurt for something somebody
said or should I use that for a toll of
learning that when somebody says
something like that it's going to make
me stronger I'm going to push harder and
I'm going to go through with this
because there's no other way out so
as I continued to finish cleaning the
kitchen then I was I sat down for about
15 minutes because I was just I was
really hot actually I was just sweaty
and I wasn't hurting I was just sweating
so I sat down and drink some water and I
was sitting there I was like okay now we
got to go for the next step I did the
kitchen and it got clean I got the
floors vacuumed and mopped and I was
like now comes the challenge of bathing
the two babies that can be a challenge
my two babies are like cats and water I
don't know why my oldest son was the
exact same way I don't
I totally all the time I don't know
where we went wrong with bathing our
kids but well it's not a funny picture
and in fact I wonder if all of West
Salem here's my kids screaming but I did
it I bathed both of them from top to
bottom and my back was starting to hurt
a little bit during that time like it
wasn't like embarras
I know it's gonna start hurting really
bad and I don't want to like push myself
so I finished bathing the kids and
getting them out of the baths and well
actually I'm still we still bathe them
in our sink because the sink that we
have it's like a really big sink and so
it fits them perfect and they're really
terrified right now the actual big
bathtub so I don't push them to that
level if I you know if I can do it in
the sink it's the same thing so I'm like
whatever I'll pick my battles um but
anyways so I gave them their baths and I
got their hair brushed and put asuras
hair up and stuff and I just sat there
for a minute and really just looked at
all that I accomplished today and it
seems like so little but it is so much
for me and I was so proud of myself for
not allowing myself to continue to be
and not
frame of mind on the binging part
because I was just like you know I am
NOT gonna do that I just I can't do that
you know 27 pounds is a lot of weight to
lose and start feeling good why would I
go back and I think all my life I've
given so many people the credit I the
I've given people the ability that's the
word I'm looking for I have given people
the ability to take over my my journey
of wanting to change and I've
backtracked many many many many times
and it's like this time it's not gonna
happen I'm gonna stand firm and I'm
gonna do this because I sincerely want
this and so I was so happy and so then
finally only came in after finishing up
what he needed to do and he was like you
know what do you want for dinner well
now mind you today was just one of those
funky days that I ate for breakfast I
had a oatmeal packet so one packet that
was 130 calories and I haven't eaten
again so I literally had 1,600 calories
left probably even more than that like
close to 17 our calories left for all
day like I've only once all day and that
was with cleaning and everything so I
was like you know what I really don't I
I really don't have an appetite and he's
like no no no no like no you can't you
can't do that like you you cannot allow
the situation to when when you're trying
to take care of yourself
so he's like do you want to salad I was
like it's fine you know salads fine and
then he was like well how about a sub
sandwich do you want a sub sandwich I
was like yeah I'll take a sub sandwich
and then I was like you know what I have
so many calories I'm hungry I'll take a
footlong and then he was like really and
then I sat there and I was like ok wait
a minute I'm still going kind of towards
that binge so I was like no I know I'll
take a 6-inch but I will take a
the small bags of the baked chips I'll
go ahead and take that tonight and he
was like okay that's fine so he went got
the dinner and when he brought it back
he told me that he put some spinach on
it and then he even had a little bit of
avocado added to it which was really
good because I'd even made it a little
bit more filling and by the time I got
done with my six inch and my hat my my
bag of chips I am so full that it feels
good to just be like oh wow okay so I
was ready for a footlong but in reality
I can really only eat a six-inch but
because of today and all my struggling
that I went through emotionally I want
to emotionally eat and that sounds
better to me and so I really just today
has just been a really rough tough day
but I made it through it and I know
there was gonna be many more days like
that like I know there is it's it's life
you know we're living human beings we're
kind of hit things that are gonna be a
little rock in our journey but it's how
we handle the situation is how we're
gonna know if we can succeed this and so
for me it was getting up and proving to
myself that I can clean my coal kitchen
and clean for two and a half hours
without even sitting once and then a 15
minute break to turn around and bathe
two kids which took almost an hour
standing again without sitting down I
mean that's a lot for somebody that is
not really used to doing a lot but I'm
sure trying I'm trying I you know when
Olli does the laundry I now fold it and
I make sure it gets put away correctly
and you know I am trying to maintain
things and I'm trying to help where I
can you know but this proof to me today
that I am capable of more than I think I
give myself credit for
because I would have never thought that
I could go in that kitchen and clean
that kitchen without hurting but I did
it and I proved to myself today that it
is
I am okay and I can do these things and
I will do these things because I want to
do these things and if I'm determined
enough to do it I will do it and I'm not
gonna let anybody put a rock in my
journey that I'm on because at the end
of the day even if I would have went
into that bench who am i hurting I'm
definitely not hurting the person that
made that comment to me they're they're
living life they're enjoying themselves
it's me that's gonna suffer because then
I'm gonna have that guilty trip and I'm
gonna beat myself up over it and then
I'm gonna have to do the whole starting
over a thing and why do I want to do
that where is it gonna honestly get me
nowhere and those are my coping
mechanisms anymore those are my old
coping mechanisms but now my coping
mechanism is you know running to my
journal and writing in my journal and
saying my feelings and you know coming
on and talking to you guys or reaching
out to a friend and talking to them
my old coping mechanisms would have
ended up killing me but my new coping
mechanisms are only giving me more life
so that's just kind of how my day was
today and I really hope you guys had a
really good date and did not have a day
like me it sounds like most all of you
did have a really good day today and I
am so happy and you know again you guys
are the reason that I am going so strong
because I definitely can reach out to
some of you at times when I feel like I
am really struggling and know that I'm
gonna get that support that I'm looking
for or that I really need at that moment
because you guys have been there so far
so strong for me and I couldn't do this
without you guys and so I'm just so
grateful that I have this
community of you guys that are nothing
but positive nests and always encouraged
me to continue to go strong because if I
don't and I let myself become weak I'm
not gonna finish this and I will fall I
will break and I will go back to being
490 plus pounds because I'm sure I'll go
past 490 I'm sure I'll be my 500s easily
easily and I don't want that I I don't
want that so it's not a choice it's this
is me I thank you everybody for reaching
out to me about the giveaway box I I
really hope that I did not I got one
message from somebody that I confused
that them so I hope I'm not confusing
everybody
the the giveaway box where I was kind of
introducing myself was I had put that
video excuse me I put that video on
Facebook Instagram my facebook on the go
page and so I just included it into the
YouTube but then I got a message that I
was like I thought I was a subscriber
maybe I need to go back and check and
I'm like I know you're a subscriber I
added it to the channel just thinking
that you know I was just I don't I don't
know what I was thinking but Amy is
ready for some nine-nine time I am
definitely going to bed early tonight I
am going to be putting on my jammies
here in a minute
and I am calling it a night because my
daughter is out my daughter has been
playing with water and she is wet so now
mommy needs to go and change her and put
her in some clean jammies because it's
her bitch time too so anyways I really
hope you guys enjoy this video today
please if you have not subscribed please
subscribe to my channel like the video
share my video and leave a wonderful
comment
and I will reply take care of you guys
and I'll see you tomorrow bye
this was my yummy dinner tonight it was
just a steak sub and I decided to go
ahead and have my baked lei BBQ chips
and it completed my dinner I really
needed something good and nutritionist
since I had not eaten anything all day
today and it really hit the spot
[Music]
